7/1/18 - Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the day of my LVAD/Berlin Heart surgery. I hoped to rest up and relax with Mom and Dad today, in preparation, but the day did not go as planned. I am trying to hard to tell everyone that something isn't right. I try to yell and scream it out! but, my body can't take the effort and i end up getting medication to settle my ailing body. It's hard. I can't talk yet, to tell everyone what I feel, so I ended up needing a lot of medicinal help to get thru my day safely. Something isn't right. My numbers show us that, the x-rays of my chest show us that and so does my demeanor...i can't help but be upset lately and I am not even completely sure why? So, after a rough day today and the last two weeks, we are feeling more confident that this is the thing (the Berlin Heart) that will help me get safely to my transplant date. I can't keep having rough days like this and hope to survive my situation. We are very afraid; my family and I. The surgery tomorrow is a big one and I just pray so hard that I am strong enough to do this. That I am strong enough to make it thru the surgery, the recovery and the wait for my new heart, too. This is all coming down on us so hard today. I am going into this surgery with ultimately only two outcomes for my future. The first outcome; the surgery goes well, as planned and I recover well and am able to wait longer for a heart transplant. I wait for my heart and have no strokes (or at least debilitating ones) and I am okay. Or the second outcome: my surgery doesn't go well. A few things can happen with that...I can get a second Berlin Heart on my right ventricle, I could end up on ECMO, I could have a good surgery and recovery and end up having a bad stroke and end up brain-dead and no longer be eligible for transplant, and the last thing...I could die. So, this is extreme, but it is my reality. My family and I are confident that the doctors have helped us make the best decision for my situation and we hope for great things to come of it...like the ability to wait longer for a second chance at life; my heart gift. I'm trying to get some rest tonight and go into tomorrow confident for the best outcome. My family is distraught over the whole ordeal, but we are doing out best to hold it together. I am their world and I promised them a long time ago that I would fight with everything in me to get thru this and come home. I am strong. I am brave. I am a heart warrior. Heath The Heart Warrior? So, please say an extra prayer for me tonight. I need so much love to get thru this.
I need a couple more prayers tonight, too. As you may know, I have made some great new friends thru my journey in the hospitals. I have a friend just down the hallway that could really use your thoughts tonight. Please pray for clarity and hope. Pray for her to get thru her adversities. And also, tonight I lost a friend. A little girl that is just a day younger than me and with a very similar situation, lost her battle today and went to heaven. Her family has helped us thru some very difficult times with my journey and we hope you will help us pray for them and for their loss. We are all a family, you see, all of us in the hospital here. Whether we have talked much or not. We have met some amazing families that have especially helped us thru my adversities and try to always show we care and support one-another. No-one on the "outside" world will ever truly understand how difficult heart failure is and that's why we need each other. I think this is why I am writing my blog. I hope someday, someone will read my story and have something in it help them thru. I know that I am just little, but I promise, as I always have, to make a difference. So, I will fight my fight tomorrow and the next tomorrow and the next, until I come home. Thank you for loving and supporting us. I have to rest up for tomorrow now. Love, Heath