7/14/18 - The Truth

Many of you have been following my journey since day one, since ECMO, but for those of you who haven’t started following until recently...go back in my blogs to the beginning. Go back to where I started and read thru my story before you read this blog tonight. I will summarize a little for those who don’t care to and say to look at this picture: 

This is me, Heath. I was dying, again, in this picture. There have been several times in my life that the odds haven’t been favorable to me. My friends, family, doctors...they struggled with the truth at those times. When you’re in a situation like mine, heart failure, the truth is you might not make it that day. That, that time might be the last time. It might also be the first day in the rest of your life, too. Know one really knows the honest truth of any situation when medicines and machines keep you alive. There is never a strait shooter, this is how it is, conversation to even be had because there are just too many variables. I just wanted to say all this to say no one really ever knows anything, ha ha. Seriously, though...my parents have been thru these days (like the picture above) with me and on those days all they want are answers. Why this? How that? What next? Etc... I want you, if you’re going thru a situation like mine or any adversity in your life really, to know that you can’t have the truth in the tough situations. No one knows the answers to your questions. Not the big questions. You will not know what will happen, you cannot plan for anything and you will be lost for a while. It’s ok. You don’t have a choice and you have to make due. You can make it thru. Look at me, my family...I am still alive and have died, been on life support and 140+ days later, me...this little baby whom hasn’t even been home, I have fought thru all of my adversities to go where? Into a blank future? I don’t know what will happen in a day, an hour or the next five minutes, but I know my life is worth living. I want to get thru this. I want to go home. I want all that and I have no answers. My family doesn’t know how, why or if for anything that has happened. You know what, though? That’s okay! I have found that my Turth is my now. The truth is today, this moment...look at me: 

We have learned to live in the now (as people say). We live second to second. This second, I am thriving on my Berlin Heart LVAD form of life support. Still trucking along into my blank future and still excited to paint the pages. We still have no answers, still have fears and still are waiting for my heart gift to arrive. Today, I feel sentimental because I’m doing this, I’m fighting this. Maybe the truth is that there actually is an end to all of this. Maybe it will be good? I feel this now, because I look back at pictures of what I’ve overcome and we all just can’t believe I’ve made it this far. A visual example of how much stronger I have become is this...my old medicine “wall”...I was on all of these at one point:

And today, my girlfriend brought in my new medicine “wall” and this is what it looks like:

It was emotional to compare them. Maybe my truth is that your prayers are working, that I am meant to live thru this all and that I will go home someday? Seeing this tiny medicine rack today maybe us so happy. I’m feeling stronger, free-er and more like a baby every day. I snuggle Mom and Dad (and occasionally a girlfriend), I sit up and turn my head on my own, I play...I may even learn to do more soon. I think the truth right now it that we are thankful. Very very, whole-heartedly grateful. I love my life and I’m going to win this battle. I’m just going to snuggle my way through. That sounds perfect! - Heath

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